Greetings and welcome to our blog. It will, I hope, prove entertaining. Court asked that I perhaps kick this off with a review of Twilight. This is ironic in that I have never actually read Twilight and this blog is meant to be a review of all things ‘read.’ But no matter! I shall do my best, and though, in all likelihood, at the conclusion of this article every man between the ages of 16 and 60 will nod their heads in agreement and my odds of getting laid by any woman in American between 16 and 60 will be finally and entirely reduced to nil, I shall, with as much honesty and frankness as can be mustered, delve into this teenage vampire cult that has consumed my country with much deeper and long lasting maleffects than any MJ funeral could hope to muster.
I hate Twilight. There. It is out. For various reasons. I have never read them, nor heard much of a plot summary. But taking an educated guess based upon the movie previews, I will lay it out like this. Girl is loner, shy, uncomfortable. Mysterious, attractive young man, also a loner, takes deep interest in her. They fall for eachother, but WAIT! HE’s a vampire! So as much as he would like to put his P in her V (and we’ll get to more on this soon), he CAN’T! WHY!? Because in the height of his passion he might bite her and turn her into a vampire. This, naturally, leads to all sorts of extremely heightened sexual tension, getting young girls hearts a pitterpattering, because everyone wants to be almost-sexed, but not used and discarded. Essentially the message here is that true love means never having to get laid, without excessive sacrifice, and if a boy truly loves you, he will abstain from sexy time simply because he loves you THAT much.
America, WTF?
But it gets worse, because in this keen English major’s opinion, there’s likely many more plot twists. For instance, what if he has vampire friends who just want to suck her dry? What do her parents think? How do they cope with their social isolation and their yearning loins?! Oh NOESSS!
I have spoken with people who have read the book, and while they agree this analysis of “OMG! I want to do her so bad, but I don’t want to bite her!” is accurate, they also see it as trite and “missing the point.” Pray tell, then, what is the 'point?'
The point is cash-cow. Millions of teenagers and unsatisfied women whose male peers are only out for one thing EAT this stuff up. Vampire boy is some how a true man, simply because he has ridiculous self-control in the face of their ever-mounting desire to be intimate. Somehow this relationship is emotionally satisfying without any physical action. Basically every nubile girls dream, as well as those who have been used and abused by the dating circuit. They can live out their vicarious fantasies of being cared about without having to cough up the goods.
But it gets worse. Let’s move on to what I have been told about the series.
1. The vampires can move insanely fast and have special powers like super strength.
2. The vampires can go out in daylight, and rather than burning to ashy crisps, they sparkle like diamonds, making them more attractive to human beings.
3. They have no pulse (hence no circulatory system).
Now, coming from a literary background, not only am I pissed off by the ridiculously over the top plot (again entirely conjectured from about 90 seconds of film preview), but also the entire lack of any knowledge about vampire lore on the part of the author. Worse, she might even BE educated about vampires, and has chosen to willfully disregard the non-negotiable tenants of mythology.
What you should know about vampires:
1. They do not possess super strength or the speed of the flash
2. Going out in daylight is DEATH. The danger of suns rays are one of the major components of vampire lore
3. They cannot bite you unless you invite them into your house.
Those are three pretty basic tenants of vampirism, to any well-read person, let alone people who actually LIKE reading about vampires. They cannot prey upon people just because they feel like it, chasing them through the woods and hunting them down. They must be cordially invited into the victim’s home, not stalked in the high school cafeteria or locker room.
Sparkling vampires is straight up homosexual. And I have nothing against homosexuals, I’m using that term purely in its derogatory plebian vernacular high-school locker-room sense. It’s stupid. Not only has the author given the vampires the ability to run at time-space splitting speeds, and even survive in the daylight, now they can walk around all bedazzled in broad daylight.
Now seeing how there is so much money to be made in this new fad, I can only suspect that the author would deliberately kept the two would be lovers apart for the first book, just to give all those lonely, yearning teenage loins a reason to buy the second, third and/or more books in her glittery, obvious, inaccurate series. My guess for the second and third books is that they probably, finally, DO it… that it is mind-blowingly AMAZING…completely fulfilling, physically, emotionally and spiritually....and even better, that somehow he is able to overcome his urges and not bite her.
Which brings us to him having no pulse or blood.
If you know ANYTHING about male anatomy, you know that pulse and blood are CRITICAL to certain bonerific activities. So how, dear friends, did the dear old vamp get it up? He has no pulse, no blood, no erection. Not to mention making love to a cold, slippery, pulseless glittering member is pretty much one of the least attractive activities I can think of. But these books are flying off the shelves. You know what’s going to happen before you even buy one, so why humor the author and her bank account? Are women’s lives sooo unfulfilled they actually enjoy, nay, get off on this hack stuff? I hope not, but evidence is to the contrary.
No doubt this unnatural union brings about a child. Because that’s how you sell books. And what happens when you’re pumped impossibly full of amazing, super-strong, sparkling vampire juice. Not because it makes sense in any sort of way, but because it’s the next logical step in this horribly derailment of literature. No doubt there is probably some complication in the birth, very dramatic, lasting at least a chapter, that makes it necessary for him to bite her and turn her into a vampire, causing huge amounts of angst, conflict and emotion.... He debates and debates and the suspense builds and builds until he does what he obviously must and what everyone has been yearning for since Book 1, chapter 1....
Afterwhich the child is fine, but maybe cursed with some ambiguous soon-to-be-discovered doom (which no doubt you can discover if you buy the next book), and the two lovers have even MORE amazing fully-vampiric relations, simply because now they are both vampires and have equally heightened senses and it's pretty much 'like whoa!"
Give me a break.
I will reiterate here that I have never read the books, seen the films and the extent of what I have been told is the above mentioned 3 points which I overheard in the lunch room. In short, having only seen a movie preview and knowing how the young, lonely, desperate teenage female mind works, I pretty much think I can tell the ending of at least the first 3 novels.
Even this fad would be fine, were not even more people trying to cash in on this ridiculous craze. But that's what people do. Cash in. The Vampire Diaries, True Blood, etc, are all testament to the growing fascination of forbidden vampire/human love. Is regular sexual tension not enough? Is Marissa Cooper not sleeping with whats-his-face on the OC for 3 seasons of dysfunction not enough? Does the male lead now have to transcend the typical bad-boy-trying-to-be-good-
In the end the Twilight series boils down to three ideas, each occurring in succession
1.“I love you, Do I bite you? No! Because of how much I love you.”
2.“I love you, and can overcome my urge to bite you, but we can still make love and its the best you’ve ever had! Do me, finally!”
3. “I love you, but I have to bite you to save you! Which I’ve not-not wanted to do all along since it’s the natural, obvious conclusion… oh and I’m sorry to do it, but remember I love you and now we can have even better sexytime and wait for the next dark plot twist to separate us.”
Why bother reading them at all.
Frankly, you can hate me. But I know you’re doing it because I’m entirely correct. Yes. Entirely. You can argue details and semantics, but you know that I know that we know. You’re just mad that I’m not as hot and bothered by this crap as I you are, which you can rationalize a way as me being close-minded and uncreative, but in the end you know it is just you buying in to a sensationlist fantasy that has no grounding in reality OR in accurate mythology, but is just a self-indulgent romp of inaccurate lore and juvenile desire.
I’m not going to sellout and buy into this false vampire craze. If you moisten your panties over this crock of heinous butchering of sensational vampirism that is deliberately geared towards generating such obvious sexual tension and so predictable a storyline, you’re not worth my time. I wouldn’t be quite so angry if he had to deal with sunlight, garlic and other vampiry problems, but the author clearly has made vampires immune to everything that makes vampires vampires, except their overwhelming desire to suck blood. Clearly, her message is that lonely, emo supermen who want to drink you dry are the best any girl can hope for. They are to be epitomized, blindly worshipped and fantasized about because they are awesome… by her rules.
IF a man truly loves you, he won’t try to sex you, he’ll just be horribly conflicted…. but it’s okay, eventually you can do it with him, but only after he’s proven that he doesn’t want to…. because he loves you so much. Making much sense? Not to me either, but that seems to be the drift.
So keep on hoping for dark haired mysterious men with pulseless down-unders and glittery auras who can whisk you away into the woods to tell you how much they cannot be with you because they love you, protecting you from all their equally freakish invulnerable friends in some sci-fi fantasy world that makes less sense than all the other sci-fi fantasy worlds combined, mythically, physically or logically, other than that it has generated millions of dollars of revenue and spawned who knows how many knockoffs to feed the insatiable need of women everywhere to be loved without being ‘loved.’ I just hope the next girl I’m with doesn’t ask me to bite her neck mid-climax and screams “Oh Robert Patterson!” because if so, I will never call her back.
This is my first review. It could have been more caustic, I've toned it down in the editing process to appease Court's PG-13 rating. I am a few sheets to the wind. I also promise to read some worthwhile books and post more thoughtful reviews, but Rizzo asked for some Twlight hate and I have no doubt her feminine vampire-loving rebuttal will satisfy all the womenz out there still blindly yearning for some cold, sparkly vampire c**k.
/Benny
No comments:
Post a Comment